Conscious unCoupling Made Famous

In 1998 I was spending a lot of time at a conscious community outside Eugene Oregon. The community was a perma-culture learning center, however a strong component of the community was, to put it simply, process work. There was a monthly course that immersed participants into facing their shadow, recognizing attachments, stories, destructive beliefs, mental/emotional patterns & learning how to LET GO!

Many mainstream paradigms had already been discarded by those who were involved there. And if one was clinging to old paradigms and chose to stay around, sooner or later, levels of waking up to new paradigms would take place organically.

Not yet familiar with Gay & Katherine Hendricks, their book ‘Conscious Loving’ soon became a must read for me. I already had a notion of being a serial monogamist, yet wouldn’t have known to label myself that until this 34th year. I had let go of the need for marriage being for me. It was clear my life was a path devoted to my spiritual awakening, which meant constant change & transformation. Though I felt a deep calling to committed, sacred relationship to be a yearning of my Soul, my limited ego-hood/personality didn’t have a cognitive understanding of what that really meant.

It was here, at this community I first learned about consciously ending a relationship. Being a part of a beautiful ceremony celebrating the death & rebirthing of a married couple who were members of the community. There was honesty, integrity, owning mistakes, and owning ones truths, in this present chapter of life. These teachers for me were a couple who’d been married for at least a decade. They had 2 children, and made a very clear, thoughtful decision that they no longer wished to be joined in matrimony.

We all gathered around them as supportive witnesses to what Gweneth Paltrow made famous, as Conscious Un-Coupling sometime in the mid 2000’s.  They shared a testimony to their lives together, sharing the gratitude & lessons learned in their journey together. Their children, by their sides in the circle, learning the power of endings & new beginnings, done in love, respect, honor, and freedom, with full support of those around them.

That experience became a powerful model for me. Not only this ceremony, but many things I learned with this extended family and put into practice as I moved forward in my life. My time in community deeply transformed my perceptions of all relationships, but romantic relationships, most specifically. I’ve had the blessing of two amazing men in my life since that day, with which to experience the beauty of conscious relationship and ‘consciously uncoupling.’

Most recently, last spring, the 16 year relationship with my husband transitioned into what I hold in my heart as a divine friendship. I had opened to the possibility of the rest of my life with my husband, though we both understood the trajectory of growth for both of us, may at some point lead us in different directions. And when this time came, through many discussions, there wasn’t any question as we began to recognize that we needed different things in order to grow into the directions we were being called. We loved ourselves and one another so much, that we happily set one another free.

We consciously uncoupled!

The old paradigm of love, marriage, and romance, as well as was my experience prior to 1998, was that once married the expectation was to make it work, no matter what. It was a ’til death do us part’ that too often has squelched the very growth & evolution that, in my opinion, our human-ness is here to experience. Of course divorce is common and unfortunately, so is the wounding that takes place as we have been programmed to deny our deeper needs & truths, due to the vows of ‘forever.’ This collective thought-form is out-moded and no longer serves where humanity is going, specifically within the Ascension trajectory.

A couple of the areas of wounding I witness, is that we haven’t learned to truly honor ourselves first, so we can deeply honor our partner (married or not). Fear of being radically honest in relationships, leads to lies, omission, compromises of ones deeper needs, which in turn can lead to disconnection from self therefor our partner. Fear of losing security, love, and of being alone can be motivators to maintaining a status quo and unhappiness. Financial survival & comfort can lead to a prison of ones own making where both parties can live with some level of abandonment. Infidelity is high, based on a number of unresolved, personal levels of disconnection, that is riddled with many distorted programs running through the consciousness of humanity.

For me much of this stems to the fact that we have not been taught/learned how to fall into love with ourselves and center within our own being, so that we enter into relationship, or end relationships, with a more solid sense of self.

There is an underlying stigma of shame or guilt if we are no longer aligned with the person we signed on with, years prior.  If we choose to end the relationship, many still see this as a failure or you haven’t tried hard enough. Or that one or both people have to be ‘made wrong’ to justify an ending.

For many people who believe in personal growth and change, it tends to be more of a given, that we aren’t going to be the same people we were in the past. So it makes sense that our alignment will naturally change, and perhaps that means that our relationship needs to reconfigure itself.

Sometimes we grow together, then apart, then together again.  Sometimes we just grow apart.

It seems the past norm has been that we wait until too many feelings have been hurt; we find blame in order to justify endings; bitterness ensues; lies are told; one or both feel unloved, unvalued, dishonored.

As we move into higher states of consciousness through the awakening journey many are experiencing, the paradigm is shifting. The more we learn to anchor into our own centers and love, honor and value ourselves, we no longer wish to live a life that is less than thriving. Nor do we want that for the person we love. Fortunately, we’re learning that we don’t have to go through trauma and drama, pain and suffering, nor loose love or stop loving our partner, when the relationship as we know it, ends.

What I saw modeled by  Gweneth Paltrow & Chris Martin, was what I witnessed years prior and the principles I have lived by when relationships come to an end. Yes, there is loss and grief, as parts of us and who we’ve known ourselves to be, our beloved to be, and our life to be, is dying.  Death is present wherever there is life.

But so is the celebration of a new life. What better way to truly love the other, than to want their most vibrant life to be lived. To see them grow & transform into the next stage of their wholeness. To grow in our own solidity, that we recognize that we, nor they are losing love when, we consciously choose to follow our alignment, in new directions that do not include our husband/wife/partner in the past construct.

This is what I see the future blooming into. Perhaps the model of marriage will fall away completely, as we allow one another the freedom, faith & trust to be completely present to what is true for each person at any given time. To know that we are deeply lovable, regardless of another’s choices. To know that we aren’t in need of another to make us whole, but that we have so much we want to share and experience with another. To know that maybe we can grow & transform together out of pure love & choice, or that we are called into new horizons, but we will forever be held in the others heart & maybe remain a part of the new lives being created.

There are new paradigms that lay ahead. The foundation lies within each individual’s Inner Marriage/Inner Alchmey.

There are divine blueprints actively being anchored for those hearts blooming into Sacred Relationship, as the Ascension of humanity takes root.

We’re in a very exciting time for this evolutionary transformation to take place, as we re-define the feminine & masculine dance, through the codes of Divine Beings!

With Love,

Lotus