Integrating Shadows Past

Settling into myself this evening after what feels like many days of going & doing.

My husband and I have moved from Los Angeles to Tulsa, Oklahoma. It’s been a flurry of transition since June, the heat of summer to now, October, feeling the chill of fall. Earlier tonight the call inward, to return to the sacred embrace of Divine Mother spoke loud & clear. The previous opportunities I’ve had for down-time, inward-time, has lessened greatly with the new life that has been unfolding, and I savor the snippets I get to settle into stillness and inner quietude.

My practice as of late has been of the soul retrieval nature. Returning to the places where I’d left pieces of myself in Tulsa. The shadow of this lost, wild child, angry,  teen-age alcoholic rebel, of 30+ years ago has loomed large since I departed this town. I flung many judgments her way. Much shame was buried, until it wanted to surface, that is.

She/me is now held in my loving embrace, being integrated into a new level of wholeness. She/I was really so much sweeter than I had allowed her/me to be. Acknowledged, seen, heard, & loved, she/me leaves behind those times in the dark, to celebrate the wisdom in the light.

The memories seep through the humidity of the summer and the cool breezes as the cold approaches. The weather here carries a surprising amount of recall, through my body. It also shares visions the younger me in ‘this park’ or with ‘that person’ or ‘walking down that street’ … through much wiser eyes and a softer heart.

I’ve had many tears flow in the release of shame that I see now was unwarranted. Mistakes and choices, were made back then that can be labeled as ‘bad,’ but that no longer holds weight. as we all do our best to make our way through tough, tender years.

I reclaim myself from where I gave my love in order to learn lessons of the depths of compromise and self-negation. I reclaim myself from holding on to the innocence lost, expecting the power of love and validation to come from outside.  I reclaim myself from the addiction to suffering, from living in the past.

Each layer that rises with the initial imprint of fear, sorrow, loss, shame, etc. I hold myself and remind myself of the innate preciousness that has always been. I bring all of me back into this present Now Moment.

There is a re-patterning of this town as time-lines collapse with each layer of integration. The past fades into this life, here, now, full of Light, Wisdom & Divine Knowing of the perfection of all that has passed.  I walk with a new freedom into each moment, a clear mind, a softer heart, with more space for the Presence of Divine Grace, to make a home within.

There may be more to be revealed, to heal, to integrate, in this town. Time will tell.

But each step of the way, I know the truth beyond anything pulls me momentarily into the undertow.  I know that I am a precious, divine being, seeing beyond these human experiences.

May we all reclaim our past/future, which separate us from the divinity within and live in the fullness of our Light & Truth Now.

Many Blessings on the never-ending journey ~

Lotus

art: Autumn Skye Art

 

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When the Bliss of Waking Turns South

Over the many years of working with clients as they travel on their healing path, there is a common pattern. Expanded awareness, many AhHa moments, new freedom & bliss . . . and then things ‘turn south,’ or so it feels.

I’d been working with a lovely woman who was coming for sessions every 2 weeks. Her clarity was growing, old outworn patterns were releasing. Her connection to God and her guides was deepening. She was stepping into her true expression with greater confidence. She was feeling more self-love, more love and generosity for others, and rooting deeper into her sense of self-worth.  After a few months of working together she wanted to dive deeper, so we embarked on a 3 day intensive retreat.

She was a deep-diver over that weekend! She received greater clarity and released deep grief. Though she felt much lighter, with a joyful spaciousness, she also got ‘sick’ at the very end. By sick, as I’ve stated before, that word is a more familiar label for cleansing the emotional on the physical level. With bronchitis, inconvenienced, by what was happening, and a little deflated.  It wasn’t the ending she’d hoped for.

When we really commit to our spiritual unfolding, it’s important to realize there will be peaks and valleys, highs and lows, summer and winter. These will show up in our emotional landscape. We may feel a little crazy and confused, as our mind integrates new perceptions, and the body will go through many changes. Many times, as our patterns are transformed, as our vibrations rise, we may need to boldly step into a fire, which may be painful, and walk through it to gain a new perception, a higher level of wakefulness.  The work is to show up where the rubber meets the road, so to speak, remaining vigilant and awake to practice a new way of being.

The process of awakening is amazing and filled with much wonder, as we learn to see/perceive/live, like we’ve never seen/perceived/lived before. We remember what we’ve long forgotten ~

 that we are each sparks of the Divine Love, waiting to be fully embodied. The connection with all of Life, the expansion of Love, and the deep well of Compassion we access, is without words to describe.  This is Our Truth.

And, the other side of the coin, is that we must also face the abyss of the Unknown, disconnection from identifications that previously allowed life and ourselves to make sense to our human-ness. There is an unearthing of pain, sadness, and fear, which must be released and transformed with the consciousness of waking.

When this stage of our spiritual journey is experienced for the first time it can certainly feel as if we’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere along the line! I remember after the bliss of the first 4 months of my Kundalini awakening, I became very unsettled ~ at least in the mind.

For months I’d been in a state of disintegration of the self, as I’d known myself to be. Literally, I felt empty, like a void inside, yet so clear and full at the same time. The previous ways in which my personality functioned felt washed away. I wasn’t experiencing any ‘buttons’ being pushed, even though there was plenty of button pushing happening. I didn’t need to process, discuss, or solve any issues. Silence, being present and acting from a place of being in the moment, allowed life to unfold perfectly. Judgments had escaped me and I felt deeply connected with Source. I thought I was free!

And then, it turned south, or so I thought. Around that 4 month time, the body felt at peace, empty, calm, and grounded. But my mind from nowhere, began thinking again. It was as if a switch was flipped off from being the witness/observer state of consciousness, of simply being present.  Instead, the mind’s thought was perceiving the state of intense detachment, and there was reaction. And that reaction was disturbed. I had been resting in the hightened state of witness consciousness, and next, I was entering back into the more person-hood, identified, ego consciousness.  Instead of experiencing the peace, calm, empty of the body, as I had prior, I felt greatly detached and numb to all emotion, within the mind.

This alarmed the mind, while the body remained silent and empty. Without the senses of emotion, I couldn’t access the feeling of love for my partner or family. I didn’t feel connected to myself. I felt void of personality. To top it off, the fact that I couldn’t even feel the sense of alarm in my body, that I felt in my mind, alarmed my mind even more!

This phase passed. As I traversed over the years, I recognized that at different phases of our awakening, there are a great many shifts that take place energetically, physically, and of course, this affects our consciousness.  Consciousness is the key. New states of consciousness will create a new experience in how we relate to everything. But I don’t want to digress into that long subject.

The point is, that we are growing, expanding, awakening, ascending. So many words to describe what has to be experiential, to truly understand. It’s important that we have these conversations, because this will ward off unneeded fear or disappointment. Everyone’s spiritual path is unique, and yet, there are similarities at different junctures along the way.

I didn’t take a wrong turn & head south. The client, I shared about above or the others, also didn’t take wrong turns. All of us traversing this path will realize this, if we just keep moving forward, opening our heart to love and the Divine, and keep the fire of courage burning that a spiritual warrior needs to continue their journey.

We are blessed to be living in this time of accelerated spiritual unfolding! It’s amazing. It’s daunting. It’s a path of embodiment, and this is what has been largely overlooked in spiritual teachings in the general public. So hang on, but not too tightly. The ride is filled with more ease & grace, the less we cling.  If you feel you’ve turned south, know you will soon turn north again.We’re all in this together, so you’re invited to keep rising, keep diving, keep shining.

 

Blessings on your ups & downs ~ Lotus

art: Mara Freidman