Integrating Shadows Past

Settling into myself this evening after what feels like many days of going & doing.

My husband and I have moved from Los Angeles to Tulsa, Oklahoma. It’s been a flurry of transition since June, the heat of summer to now, October, feeling the chill of fall. Earlier tonight the call inward, to return to the sacred embrace of Divine Mother spoke loud & clear. The previous opportunities I’ve had for down-time, inward-time, has lessened greatly with the new life that has been unfolding, and I savor the snippets I get to settle into stillness and inner quietude.

My practice as of late has been of the soul retrieval nature. Returning to the places where I’d left pieces of myself in Tulsa. The shadow of this lost, wild child, angry,  teen-age alcoholic rebel, of 30+ years ago has loomed large since I departed this town. I flung many judgments her way. Much shame was buried, until it wanted to surface, that is.

She/me is now held in my loving embrace, being integrated into a new level of wholeness. She/I was really so much sweeter than I had allowed her/me to be. Acknowledged, seen, heard, & loved, she/me leaves behind those times in the dark, to celebrate the wisdom in the light.

The memories seep through the humidity of the summer and the cool breezes as the cold approaches. The weather here carries a surprising amount of recall, through my body. It also shares visions the younger me in ‘this park’ or with ‘that person’ or ‘walking down that street’ … through much wiser eyes and a softer heart.

I’ve had many tears flow in the release of shame that I see now was unwarranted. Mistakes and choices, were made back then that can be labeled as ‘bad,’ but that no longer holds weight. as we all do our best to make our way through tough, tender years.

I reclaim myself from where I gave my love in order to learn lessons of the depths of compromise and self-negation. I reclaim myself from holding on to the innocence lost, expecting the power of love and validation to come from outside.  I reclaim myself from the addiction to suffering, from living in the past.

Each layer that rises with the initial imprint of fear, sorrow, loss, shame, etc. I hold myself and remind myself of the innate preciousness that has always been. I bring all of me back into this present Now Moment.

There is a re-patterning of this town as time-lines collapse with each layer of integration. The past fades into this life, here, now, full of Light, Wisdom & Divine Knowing of the perfection of all that has passed.  I walk with a new freedom into each moment, a clear mind, a softer heart, with more space for the Presence of Divine Grace, to make a home within.

There may be more to be revealed, to heal, to integrate, in this town. Time will tell.

But each step of the way, I know the truth beyond anything pulls me momentarily into the undertow.  I know that I am a precious, divine being, seeing beyond these human experiences.

May we all reclaim our past/future, which separate us from the divinity within and live in the fullness of our Light & Truth Now.

Many Blessings on the never-ending journey ~

Lotus

art: Autumn Skye Art

 

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